The WHY and The Story behind

Any of the great mentors and coaches I've ever followed talk about The WHY. If you know your WHY for your business, your job, your life, the HOW is going to be easy... or something along these lines. Ok, maybe not easy, just easier.

So, WHY am I writing all this? There are 3 answers:

1. I want to get it off my chest.

2. I want to give you a chance to realize you are not alone in this.

3. I want to show you an alternative.

Now, it's your turn. WHY are you reading this?

While, I'm waiting for your answer, I'll start with the story. I want to start with June 7th 2023, just over a year ago.

I was just coming back from my holiday with my brother. We were back in our home in the mountains, mostly hiking and chatting. I was fresh in love and grieving the loss of my best friend Wayne. It was all confusing and I needed some time away to figure things out...

I knew I was in love... after 17 years I fell deeply in love once more. I started to open up and talk about me. We had a rough month but I thought he needed to figure out things for himself... just like I did.

I cancelled my trip back to Whistler to celebrate Wayne's life and grieve his loss with all our friends and family. I knew, Wayne would be so happy for me to find the MAN I could love and who was there for me. Wayne would understand.

I came back and was ready to talk about things that bothered me, about my grief, about us...

He was busy... almost an entire week...We met for a run. I was nervous. I knew something was bothering him. He was the same... Halfway through the run, he sat me down, stepped aside and dropped the "line".. He broke up with me... I don't remember a lot of the rest what he said... I could feel my heart breaking and my soul crushing... my world crushing...

I don't remember how I got home... I just remember running with him back and he said he needed to go to clean the house and that half ass, lukewarm hug and kiss on the cheek... I was shocked. I didn't understand what just had happened. I felt like I was in a horrible nightmare and any moment I need to wake up... only... I was wide awake... all night long... The cries that night were not from a normal human being... They were all of the hurt and pain and breaks and everything I was pushing away almost all my life...

I was broken like never before... Broken beyond repair...

... NOW, more than one year later, I know, I'm broken beyond repair. I accepted that fact a while ago... I still have nights when I cry myself to sleep and wake up in the middle of the night and cannot fall asleep crying and overthinking everything feeling like a waste of space on this planet... and worse...

If you've been through those feelings and nights, you know. You know there is very little you can do about it.

You know, those horrible thoughts are not true!

You know you need to sleep!

You know you can ask for help!

You know, you need to move on!

... but you cannot help it... your emotions took over and you are too weak to fight them. Most people turn to antidepressants and psychologists. I can understand the appeal. As for me, I'm horrified of the idea of pills and anything that can make me addicted (my dad was alcoholic his entire life) and I'm not the type to talk about my problems and issues.

For a long time I used running to think things through and move on... This time it was different. I was scared of leaving the house. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. Running wasn't helping. I was back in HELL... All of my old traumas I was working through were back... in full rage... All my worst nightmares were in my every thought. I lost myself. ..

It took me months just to "kind of function."

The only thing that was somewhat helping was writing. First, I was writing HIM... You can imagine... all kinds of messages, some really sad, begging him to talk to me, some reminding him of what we had, some dramatic...

I wanted to talk to him about a lot of things... I wrote him a letter... and I'm not sure if he ever read it... I started to write him letters in my journal... He never even knew I had a journal.

Last month I decided to start writing regularly. First, I was writing for an hour every morning from 6-7am for a week... then another week. I decided to write everyday for 1 hour for 1 month. I decided to start this blog and write the journal as a book addressed to you. It's a combination of my story, poems I wrote for R, routines I created for myself to be able to live somehow every day, new things I've been learning and new activities I picked along the way.

Let's start with one tip that has been working for me my whole life:

1. Morning routine!!!

I cannot even explain how important my morning routine is to me.

• wake up early (between 5am and 6am)

• drink water and lemon water ( I drink almost 1l of water before anything else)

• Pilates and work out - this part varies - sometimes I have almost one hour work out and meditation, sometimes it's just 30min of quick Pilates and I have to go.

• make and drink green tea and black coffee

• 1 hour writing - this one is new, only about one month in practice

• I try to have a breakfast (before last year, breakfast was part of my mandatory morning routine, but since last year I've struggled with eating all together)

Try to write your own morning routine...

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx