The story how life kicked my ... down... again... part 2

... “So, WTF do you want to write about?” you might ask.

“About how to survive your life and the tragedies it brings.”

If you ever felt like I did last year, you understand. 

Before I get into the full story and HOW I’ve been dealing with that… I want you to try something with me.

Every morning starting tomorrow, wake up 15 minutes earlier and a small work out or stretching, or yoga session. Any movement.

How did it go?

Why did I make you wake up 15 min earlier and exercise?

I’ve been exercising in the morning for at least 10 years now and the one thing that it does for me in different times (except for being fit) is that I can check one thing of my TO-Do list and it makes me feel I accomplished something…

May 14th’24 7.27am Tuesday Zermatt

I find that the worst thing about depression is the profound feeling of loneliness. That nobody understands what you are doing through… You know, when you talk to your close ones and they don’t seem to understand the deepness of your sorrow and the pain you are hiding inside.

The love you are missing…

The love you feel inside… it feels like it’s covered in spider net and dust…. centuries of it. As if there was vacuum between your heart and soul and everything and everybody else… Because the love you feel is no longer wanted… 

… and when you reach out there is nothing and no one…

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I hate when people tell me I should get on with my life… do things I love… blah… blah… blah… I don’t love anything anymore. 

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Here is the thing… it’s a harsh truth and I fight it every day… It’s me who can help me…

IT’S ME WHO CAN HELP ME!!!  (I just don’t want to… I don’t want let go.)

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Here is an idea for you:

I understand that you are struggling. I know, there are days, weeks, maybe even months, when you don’t leave house, or even your bed. You have been numbing your feelings with alcohol and endless series, games, social media, where everyone seems to be living their best life… and it just throws you back into depression… 

I know exactly how it feels… Believe me. 

In fact, I wish I could be there with you, hug you and make you believe it’s gonna be alright…

The truth is it won’t… unless you start doing something… anything… 

Remember one thing you used to do that made you happy? What was it? Can you start doing it now? Do you need something special (gear, space, time)? Do you have it? Are you getting lost in all these questions?

Let’s make it simple:

• take a 20 min walk outside

• take a notepad and scribble

• or draw

• pick your own activity, something you used to love and do it

FOR 20 MINUTES...

How did it make you feel? Sorry, stupid question… Lets try another one: Doing that activity, did it stop your brain from racing? Did it make you concentrate on something else than your misery? Did it give you a tiny satisfaction of achievement (even if only for a moment)?

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Did you work out this morning? (if not, and you a have 15 minutes, do it right now.) Put the book down and do it now.

Now, you have one thing you can check off your TO-DO list

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TO-DO lists vs TA-DA lists

I heard the expression TA-DA list for the first time in one the Kristina Kuzmic videos and I really liked the idea. It’s basically a list of things you’ve accomplished today. 

I find it helpful to write down the things I’ve achieved, especially on days, when my grief and demons take over and I feel paralyzed and… didn’t finish my TO-DO list…

Here is what a To-Do and Ta-Da lists look like for me:

Give it a try this week. 

*Little piece of advice: Take at least one week (ideally 3-4 weeks) for each change to settle in and become a habit. I like to create habit patterns. It means, I create a habit following another habit, eg. After work out and Pilates I meditate. After that I take my first sip of coffee, set a 28min timer and start writing etc… The pattern kicks in automatically and I don’t have to think about it. In fact, if I try to break the habit, it feels weird. 

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In this part, I would like to explain the WHY. WHY am I asking you to exercise in the morning?

Let’s start with the obvious:

- it improves your physical health 

- any kind of sport helps brain create dopamin and all kinds of support system to make your body feel better (even though you might not feel that way at all). 

- it improves your appetite. This one seems a bit tricky, some days you might eat more, some days less, same days healthier and some other  days just junk, and some not at all… It all depends on your previous habits and everything that goes on inside your head. I try to go with the flow, specially on days, when I don’t feel like eating at all… 

There are many other positive effects. I try to get back to this later on. 

The one thing I find the most helpful with dealing with depression and panic attacks is the simple routine: You wake up, you get up before depression and panic attacks starts sinking in again and you work out. One thing on my TO-DO list - DONE!

Make your own TO-DO list. If you are new to this idea or it just seems impossible to even get out of bed today, put just 3 things on the list (one of them: Get out of bed).

TO-DO list example:

1) Get out of bed

2) Exercise for 15 min

3) Drink coffee

… and here is your TA-DA list:

1) Get out of bed  DONE

2) Exercise for 15 min  DONE

3) Drink coffee YOU ARE STAR

*Idea: I use red pen to check off my TO-DO list and pink (use do be my favourite colour) to write comments on my TA-DA list. It makes me feel normal for that one moment...

How about you? Give it try… 

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Here is one more thing. I write down the lists in 2 separate planners. I used to love all kinds of planners and notebooks… and I guess, I still do. I have a home planner, where I write expectations and goals for every week and TO-DOs for every day.. and in the evening I turn that TO-Do list into TA-DA list. 

My "on the go planner" has mostly only TO-DO lists and longer terms plans. If you ask me if I can meet you on any given day, I pull out my on the go planner and write it down. If I don’t, it won’t happen. It has as well space for my thoughts, if sadness hits me… and it has a space for motivational quotes and pictures I liked, pretty much anything that would inspire me.

So, there you have it. This is me and my notes. 

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When I decided to start writing this book, I had 2 notebooks at home, this one and one with all my favourite colours; I really like that one and I wanted to use it later, maybe for some more positive writing…

I took this one but I didn't really feel like “Live the life you love…” In fact, what I thought was more along the lines: What TF is that? I could just barely make it out of my bed the first day I started writing…Then I remembered I still had few pink scull stickers packed away… with the big cigar and middle finger up…

...and that was exactly how I felt about the “Live the life you love” motivation on the front page… It was me… Maybe one day I’ll feel different about it… but for now, this is ME… FUCK IT!!!

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