September's Winter

Here we are... it's September again... I have only 3 more month of this year... and so have you...

You know... I had maybe a bit short and intense summer. I was mountaineering and climbing a lot... mostly on my own... I didn't want to be around anybody. I still don't. I still don't feel anything... just pain, cold and numbness.. like there is nothing to feel... no happiness, no excitement... I still don't see colours or taste food. I do things I've always wanted but I don't feel happy... maybe satisfied that i could push myself over my limits.

Crossing this ridge on my own was something. I wanted to do this for last few years. Maybe not alone but the entire ridge in one day. This summer everything aligned: the weather, the conditions, even my thoughts shut up for a few hours here.

I'm writing this as an inspiration for you. I've been struggling with depressions and panic attacks for over a year now. My digestive problems gotten worse than ever.

I set s few big and scary goals for this summer. there were 4 together. I fulfilled 2 of them. The other 2 are postponed to next summer. It snowed very early and I decided not to follow up with the other 2, simply because it would be too dangerous. I'm not at that level yet... physically and mentally.

I decided to go ski touring yesterday. It's the earliest ever for me. The fresh snow, my own track, sun and wind, and quiet... even my mind was quiet... I still couldn't see the beauty around me.. I still couldn't feel happiness... but I was out in the mountains with skis feeling the cold wind in my face. it felt peaceful...

"I wished I could tell you about it... or even better, I wished you were there with me... " for R

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I told you about my painting. And few weeks ago, I got this idea to get a snowboard and paint on it... My colleague gave me an old board. so, my mission is on... First, I cleaned it, then I got spray paint and painted it black to begin with. I drew wide sketch of a mountain range on a paper, cut it out and taped it to the board. I spray painted it white on the black and let it dry... after it dried... I couldn't get all the paper of the board... FUCK... I left it for a day, frustrated with the mess... This morning, I walked to the Tool Box store (I buy my paint there) and bought paint remover. Removing the paper was a pain in the ass... I had to take off all the colour... Then I spray painted it black again and let it dry. Decided to spray another black layer before the white mountain range. Now, the board is drying outside while I'm writing this. I will paint the range first when the first 2 layers are completely dry.

This is the mistake I made...

You know, what I like about this project? It stops me form overthinking. I let myself be a beginner again, to mess it up and redo it. I let the artist in me to lead. I've always wanted to draw and paint but never made time for it. In fact, never thought I've got it in me. It was scary to fail for me...

Last year I faced all my worst nightmares and traumas again... alone... I was broken by the man I fell in love with. I fell in love after 17 years. I believed he was the one. I believed he was "my beast."

Looking back at that year, I still get tears in my eyes.. I still feel the pain.. I still have really bad days. Not yesterday... I went for a ski tour. Not today... Today I sorted out the mess with the snowboard and now, I'm writing a post for you.

You know, what else I started to do again? Bake... I baked a banana bread with fresh plums and chocolate and simple bread. It feels good to eat something you made...

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I challenge you to do 1 thing today to make you feel proud of yourself! And I challenge you to reward yourself with something you used to love. And then write about it, what was it, how did it make you feel, how long did it take, what did you need. Just write, so you can remember the moment.

Talk to you soon...

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