Part 5 May 17th'24 6am

Dear R

I couldn't sleep again and when I did, I dreamed about you… and woke up crying… I wrote a few bad poems for you. I wrote about Wayne and Greg, my 2 mentors and friends who passed away. I let the grief out. It was overwhelming…

xxxxxx

Sometimes I’m wondering where tears come from… I mean, so many tears in such a short time. How come they just don’t run out?

xxxx

I couldn’t sleep last night. I was calming down yet another panic attack… “deep breath in… deep breath out… Let my emotions come… let them rise and slowly let them go…”

I wrote a few poems and I made a big decision. I have no other option, just to finish this book!. Even if I’m the only one who’s going to read it.

I’m going to write everyday. I cannot sleep anyway so I can wake up earlier and write for 30 minutes until I write 150 pages (or this entire notebook). Then, I’m going to read it and type it into my computer… 

I find writing and journaling calming in a way. It allows me to put all thoughts onto the paper. And I just started to paint 2 days ago… actually just throwing few dark watercolours onto the paper and write on it… It helps me to calm down.. As if I gave my thoughts and emotions a direction and clarity. It calms my panic attacks.

xxxxxx

Hey you…

Does it sound like too much work? You never liked writing? You don’t have time? You don’t have a notebook at hand? How about getting a nice notebook and pen? Let’s make it a TO-DO… 

Have you just rolled your eyes at me?… Are you just thinking: “Forget it! Just getting out of bed is more than I can handle… Going to work is more than enough for one day… and what am I suppose to write about? How shitty my day was?”

Ok.. Keep the sarcasm… I can criticize myself better than anyone else ever could… and I’m trying not to!! It’s even harder than getting out of bed!

So.. Once again… let’s try this!

Challenge #1: Get a notebook and a pen!

Tip for your challenge: Find a notebook you like. You have to like the cover. It has to have meaning to you. The same goes for the pen. You want to hold the pen in your hand and use it. 

Done??

I’m proud of you! Great job! 

How did it go? Write down the feelings and describe the notebook here:

Now what?

- “I have this notebook. I have this pen.. What am I suppose to write about?”

- Write just that. Write about your day. Write about your sorrows…. Write everything you never said out loud. 

- Tip: I like to set a timer: 10min, 25min, 30min. It force me to sit down and write for the set time… This helped me specially through the dark times when I didn’t have the energy to do anything.

xx

You are doing great and I’m proud of you!!!!

xx

Have your started writing yet? 

No?

That’s ok. How about your start using your notebook first for your To-Dos and Ta-Das? 

xxxx

Here is an idea for writing: Somebody asked me recently, how would I describe myself with one sentence. My first thought was:

BROKEN BEYOND REPAIR!!!!!

“Where is the girl who was always laughing, always fighting, always kind, always everything???” I asked myself..

“ Well, NOT HERE.. “ answered my sarcastic self in the way I felt like the stupidest and most useless person in the world….

I've always used sarcasm to hide my negative feelings. Just pushed them away… laughed about them and pretended they were just passing by… 

Do you recognize it? The pattern? Do you do the same? I hope we can stop it.. 

xxxx

Back to the description:

Sentence #1: I’m a mountaineer… I used to love everything about being in the mountains. Now, I don’t feel the love or the joy or the happiness.. I don’t see the beauty in the mountains… I just feel I belong there…

February 2025

Sentence #2: I was (I am) a great ski coach. I know that because many people including Wayne and Greg put a lot of effort into making me one…

Sentence #3: I am an entrepreneur.  I shut down my online coaching business last year when R left… I fell into deep depressions that day… and I’m still fighting them.

Sentence #4: I’m a woman! I’m passionate, I’m difficult, I’m stubborn… I overthink… I overcare... I overlove...

When I fell in love with R, I fell in love with my whole heart and soul.. There were no second thoughts… 

xxxxxx

For R

Once I told you: “ when I fell in love with you I didn’t see anybody else… You were my MAN… All the others were just noise in background.” I meant it… Love you. Always.

xxxx