Part 4

May 16th 2024 6.32am Thursday

Hey you…

Where you exercising in the morning? And the TO-DO and TA-DA lists? Let’s start right now…. 

See? We made it!

My Tip:

When you are feeling really down and wrote your To-Do list the night before (I like to do that) and in the morning  it feels like an awful lot and it gives you anxiety, cut the list down. Even if you have to leave  only one thing on that list. 

YOU ARE FIGHTING YOUR OWN DARK DEMONS!!!!!!! That’s more than enough for one day. ..

Do the one thing on that list…

Have a day… You are enough!!!

I hate when happy people wish me a great day when I’m barely surviving… 

xxxx

I want to talk to you about you and me today. You know, when people give you all the advices and tips and motivational speeches…

… and all it does to you and me is just another anxiety attack and feeling of separation from the rest of the world… all you want, is to crawl under a rock and wait for death… 

Are you nodding? Are you actually smiling (even though it’s a sad smile…)

I hear you…. 

I heard advices like:

• go see  a psychologist

• take Xanax

• get on with your life

• smile….

• be happy...

• do what makes you happy....

• blah, blah, blah...

I don’t want to waste a page on all the crap I was advised. 

Here is the thing about all the good advices: I couldn’t do that, none of that. And I decided not to just get over that and move on… And, as you are still here, reading this, I guess you couldn’t either…

Do just one thing today. Take today and do the things on your TO-DO list. 

And remember, it’s great if you made it out of bed and made yourself a sup of coffee. I’m proud of you!!!

You managed to do the work-out I suggested? GREAT!!! You are on fire!!!!

And you went to work and did your job even though you had 5 panic attacks and had to hide to cry quietly for 15 minutes? That’s impressive!!!!

I'm proud of you!!!

xxxxxxxxx

For you, guys who never had depressions and are still reading this book.

First of all, I’m proud of you for reaching out and trying to understand. You are probably shaking your head thinking WTF is impressive about that? 

Let me explain. Just getting out of bed feels like summiting Mont Everest (highest peak on Earth)… I’m not kidding… 

xxxxxx

Back to you my dear friend in darkness… 

I would like to add to our TO-DOs one more thing - evening routine. You will need 10-20 minutes. Sit down and just focus on your breath… breathe in… breath out… and again… sounds easy, right? It’s not… I find it one of the most difficult things to do… just sit down and meditate… breathe in… breathe out… and stay focused on this simple action.

Thoughts just start to pop up… Everything you haven’t done pops up… Everything you think you’ve done wrong… Everything you are afraid of will pop up… Everything that bothers you pop up… 

It will feel impossible to sit still… but… I need you to just breathe in… breath out… Let the thoughts flow… like clouds in the sky… Just let the thoughts flow away… Stop yourself from thinking and overthinking about your thoughts… I find this is the hardest part.

The first time you will try to meditate you will be struggling after about first minute. Accept it and try again… please. Let the thoughts and emotions come and go… at least for those 10 minutes. 

Some of you might disagree… BUT… BUT… Meditation should be still… blah, blah, blah... That’s why I didn’t call it a meditation at the beginning. 

xxxx

After 10 minutes, I usually feel a little less anxious. Afterwards, I sit at my table and pull my special notebook for my journalling and scribbling. I write about my thoughts and feelings… sometimes I cry while I write… 

Give it a try…

Tip: It will feel really difficult at the beginning. The thoughts and feelings after a long day might be overwhelming… They are for me sometimes. 

When they are, I keep telling myself : Let them (thoughts, feelings and tears) come, let them rise, let them go… 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I started to paint yesterday. Well, I wouldn’t call it painting. It looks more like few dark colours mushed together… But.. It was calming… I let the demons onto the paper…

PS: this is not my first painting. but even after a while it still speaks to me... I hope it will speak to you too.

I wish....