... October Blues into November tears... and The story how life kicked me down

I started to do pretty well... I set few new routines over the last couple of weeks and I really worked on them. I spent few weeks with my little nephew and he showered me with all his childhood innocence and love...

I came back and worked on my routines and goals..

In fact, I checked almost all of my yearly goals... except of laughing again...

Today, I went skiing... Not sure, if I mentioned that... I used to love skiing. I used to love skiing so much I became a ski coach... Over the last year, I barely skied. In summer, I got new skis and ski boots.

... and I went to test them today... the snow was great, the skis are great... and I was just so-so... I tried to laugh... I still can't...

I finished around lunch time...

xxxxxxx

"Walking home... I saw you.... and the rest of the walk I cried... I wrote you... How pathetic... I still love you...." for R

xxxxx

You know... I was writing a journal... I wanted to write it as a book I needed to read when I was falling into depressions last year.... I wanted to share parts of it here for quite some time... I was scared... you might criticize me. I'm still scared... but here it comes...

xxxxx

Part one

May 13th’24 8.15pm after walk

“I just saw your girlfriend… she looked so happy, so in love, so calm…. so naturally beautiful… it reminded me… I used to feel like that around you…. and it broke me… once again… “

for R

As  I was writing the first few sentences, I knew I was dead… emotionally crushed, mentally broken and physically… well, I haven’t eaten for 3 days and almost haven’t slept for almost a week.

… another mental and emotional crash… yet again… I don’t even know where to start…

I’m struggling with depressions and panic attacks. I’ve been fighting my traumas and my worst nightmares for a little bit over one year. I’ve been struggling quietly. The only person who actually knew from almost beginning is my friend Tanja (I changed her name as she prefers to stay anonymous). She is a psychologist.

When I told her about my last year… I lost my best friend and mentor. I was just recovering from my personal and business financial crash… I was just getting my shit together… and after almost 2 decades, I met a guy and was just falling in love and starting to trust him and open up (Tanja knows, opening up to people is not my thing)… he left… without an explanation… 

That was the last drop…. I hadn't eaten for days at time. I didn't sleep… I started to mix wine with sleeping pills just to get couple hours of coma-like sleep.

xxxxxx

When I was down in the past I would go for a run to clear my head…I used to run ultras. I even quoted whoever said this first… “If you don’t have solutions to your problems after 5 hour run, you are doing something wrong..” how naive of me.

… but last summer (2023) it didn’t work… I would run and collapse on the side of the trail in a panic attack, tears running down my face like a waterfall.

I went for runs late at night… I hated sun…

Honestly, I just wanted do die… and being completely honest, I still do sometimes. 

It got better when me and R started to talk again.. in October…

…but he left this time again and my collapse afterwards was horrible. I couldn’t get a hold of myself for weeks.. or months… November, December were just a blur. It’s been going on for about a year now.

In fact, it broke everything in me. All my nightmares and childhood traumas were raging at “their best.” Depressions and panic attacks were back on my daily schedule… few time a day…

I still don’t laugh. I still feel ugly and unlovable. I still ask myself “WHY.”

xxxxxxx

“So, WTF do you want to write about?” you might ask...