July's Blues

I'm back from my holiday. I socialized. I pretended everything was ok... and then I got home and shut myself off... I've been training and painting... and some writing... mostly, I've been sad and depressed... again...

You know, sometimes I'm wondering if I'm healing... or just keeping myself and you busy... I know that healing is a long process, specially if you've taken life hit after another life hit for years and mostly just pushed them away.

I've done few big decisions last few days. I decided to stop drinking alcohol this summer. I used to do it for years. I decided to do all my crazy ideas on my own.

One of the biggest decisions is to put this online for you to read and write back... not today though...

Today, I have one challenging decision and then I will go climbing as a reward... or rather to numb my emotions and feelings and make my body hurt instead.

Today's post is about the difficulty of healing. Most people just push the feelings away and move on... like one of my exes did... "oh... you are too difficult to handle... I'm out... but we can be friends..." Bullshit... We can't. You picked the wrong bitch!!!!

I come across as very independent and self-sufficient woman... I've always been. It took me 10 years to get over my long time partner. I tried to be "normal." I forced myself into situations and relationships. I forced myself to be somebody else. I met few very cool people along the way... but, now I know, I was mostly hurting myself... deeply...

In my early 30s I decided, I will first learn who I'm and then let only few people in... I knew I cannot handle breakups... I destroy myself blaming myself for everything. I worked on letting go... I worked on being me and I liked what I saw.. I wasn't interested in anyone. I tried to go on dates but nobody seemed to feel right... I gave up. I accepted I'm not like others and threw myself into business and learning new things.

I moved to a new place where nobody knew me. I wanted a fresh start. It was hard but I liked it. Over the last 7 years, I lost 5 loved ones, business and business partner and most of my investment and savings, passion for skiing and a man a finally fell in love with... He is still alive... just decided to leave in the moment I needed him like I never needed anybody in my life...

Last year, 2023 I started with paying of my dept and started my own business... I was proud of myself and the recovery I made. I was happy inside out... I was feeling passion for skiing and coaching again. I was climbing like never before... I met the guy... shortly after, I lost my best friend, my mentor, my father figure... Wayne. I was numb inside again... I didn't know how to talk about it... I decided not to go to Wayne's celebration of life. Instead, I stayed to be with R... I needed him then... my life depended on him... I was ready to let him in and see all the darkness I collected along the way... He left... He just ran off...

I collapsed... I couldn't take any more hits... It tore my heart and soul into million pieces... I haven't recovered and I never will... It was too much... I shut my new business down because I couldn't handle anything... and I shut myself off... A friend tried to fix me... She was pushing me to laugh and be me again... I pushed that friend away... I couldn't pretend I was happy... I still can't...

About 2 months ago I decided to start writing that book I've always wanted to write. And I started to paint.

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