How did this happen?

Wow... It's almost end of March... Where did the time go? How did I end up here? Why does it feel I didn't achieve anything?

And why am I crying all over again? Why cannot I sleep all over again?

Grief comes and goes in waves. Some days you are functioning like nothing ever happened and some days you are just a mess. These last few weeks I've been feeling tired and low on energy. Overworked and underappreciated. I just want to disappear into thin air and stop feeling everything.

I've been asking myself a lot of uncomfortable questions. I read about letting go and moving on and lot of other well meant advice. It didn't speak to me. It felt strange just to let go of the man I felt safe with for the first time in my life.

And then I found this quote, I read somewhere a long time ago and wrote it into one of my small notebooks:

"We don't fall in love with people because they are good people. We fall in love with people whose darkness we recognize. You can fall in love with a person for all the right reasons, but that kind of love can still fall apart.

But when you fall in love with a person because your monsters have found home in them - that's the kind of love that owns your skin and bones.

Love is found in the darkness..."

I felt that. That is how R made me feel.

xxxxxx

Going through lot of losses over the last 7 years and having to fight most of the sadness alone... For the first time in my life I believed, I met someone who is here for me. I believed I could open up. I was struggling with grieving for my best friend. I believed, R will be there for me. ...

I am living through the hell all over again. I am learning to let my feelings and emotions get to me, rage and then leave. I am learning to accept that I am highly emotional person. I am learning to live with it.

I've been asked so many times, why I cannot just let go. There is only one answer: I don't want to. This is my decision. I chose R when I was at my best and I believed he was the one man wroth fighting for no matter what. He was the only man I saw. I don't want to give up. I don't want to forget. I would forget, what I said. I would forget I was. And I would have to forget how much I can love someone... how much I love him.

You don't have to agree with me. and I don't have to agree with you and your choices. All I want to is to be here for you when you need a friend who is not judging you for whatever decision you made. I just want to give you another idea. I just want you to know there is someone who cares for you the way you are.

xxxxxxxx

Can I be honest? I will be anyway. Let's just live the day you and me want. You want to feel strong and conquer the world. Great, you rock! You just want to curl up in your bed after work and cry. You are doing your best and I'm here for you. I know how you feel. Sending you all my care I have.