February 4th'26
Butterflies... I knew R for sometime. I knew of him for a few years by now. I used to see him in the climbing gym with his girlfriend. I used to think I would like to have a man like him in my life... Earlier this year, after I payed of my dept and finally felt happy in years, I met him again in the same climbing gym. He was a great climber, very precise and committed... and way better than me. I chatted with him a few times. I was just having a time of my life... Finally
Jan 61 min read
January 5th'26 New Year
Hey you, How did you survive the Holidays? Are you ok? I cried all over and over again. I ski full time again and it worked for a while. It kept me occupied. But... I needed "me time" and it all escalated. I feel just emptiness and pain... asking myself why all over again. Why can he be happy and sleep like nothing ever happened while I've been struggling with depression and insomnia? How can he laugh knowing he fucked me up so badly that I still bleed and cry? xxxx Hav
Jan 51 min read
December 23rd'25 Christmas Whistler
Hey you, How are you holding on? Can I tell you first? I moved half around the world to escape my daily nightmares... Well... I still cry... I still don't feel anything except pain and cold.. but I don't wish to die anymore... at least not everyday and night. I'm back coaching skiing and I really enjoy it. I knew it when I was coming back that this is going to help me. I used to love helping others... It gives me purpose in life. And this is why I'm writing this blog about
Dec 24, 20252 min read
December 15th'25 Whistler
Hey you, How have you been holding on? I finished the part of 2024 I wanted to write. Now, it's time to write this story: I'm back in Whistler. I'm reminded who I am and what I'm capable of. It's been pouring the last few days. It's mentally hard to run the 6km to work and teach in rain and then run back. It's good for me. Overcoming my fears and comfort zone. I don't feel tired. I eat healthy. I climb. I ski. I run. I read and I draw. I try not to think too much. I still
Dec 15, 20252 min read
December 8th'25 Whistler
Hey you, I've been here for a week. I've been hoping for a change of perspective or at least some peace. I'm loosing myself in a certain way. I don't feel anything. It's becoming quiet inside me. I still cried while running yesterday. You know, I'm scared of the change in me. I'm scared that I will loose all the feelings I've fought to hold on to. (i'm sure this sentence doesn't make sense and I might retype it later but for now on, it's all I've got.) I skied for a few d
Dec 9, 20252 min read
June 8th'24 7am
Hey you, I didn’t write for an hour yesterday… after seeing him…. I just couldn’t stop crying… again… Just by seeing him, all the wounds opened up again… He smiled at me… probably hoping i’ll return the smile… and we’ll be fine… I was in a complete panic mode and hid…. My friend Claudine picked up on my mood and I cried in her arms while he was watching… We were going for a little mountaineering trip. Taking the big gondola was part of it... and he was there too... At the
Dec 8, 20254 min read
New beginnings Dec 1st'25
Hey you, I just arrived back in Canada. I decided I need a reset - a major one! So I got a job back as a ski coach in Whistler. I need to laugh again I need to prove to myself I'm still a badass!!!! So... Here we are... I left beautiful, sunny and cold and snowy Zermatt and arrived in cloudy and rainy Vancouver.... I wanna inspire you to do something yourself... for yourself.... It doesn't have to be as big as moving half way across the world but It has to be something b
Dec 1, 20251 min read
